


(Not) Dying to Meet You

by SnarkyLlama



Category: Backstreet Boys, NSYNC
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, JC's brand of weird is awesome, Kevin is not a stalker but he could play one on TV, Kristin is a good kind of scary, Lou is Creepy, M/M, Reincarnation, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 09:33:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9228926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnarkyLlama/pseuds/SnarkyLlama
Summary: Modern technology has vastly increased people's chances of finding their soulmate.  A hundred years ago, the chance was only  5%.  Now it was very nearly 24%.Chris has no problems with being in the other 76%.  Searching for his soulmate would cut into his very valuable 'obsessing over Kevin Richardson' time."I am not obsessed with Kevin," Chris said.  "We just... Kevin and I have a complicated relationship based on mutual glaring."





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [luxshine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luxshine/gifts).



(1994)

Chris first met Kevin Richardson in the hallway outside of Lou Pearlman's office suite.

"Met" might not be the right word to describe the incident, though. Is there a better way to say "that time I saw his face and almost got an awkward--and potentially traumatic--boner, but didn't"?

(Many years later, after Kevin hears Chris's version of this encounter, he will take to serenading Chris with bits of "I'll Never Break Your Heart" sung as cheesily as he possibly can. And while Kevin is a very serious-looking person, he can be seriously, seriously cheesy.

"Fuck you and your 'smiling face' crap," Chris will say. "How could I know anything when your face always looked like it would break if you smiled at me?"

"'Be together forever,'" Kevin will sing, because at that point, ignoring Chris's shows of irritation will be one of Kevin's favorite hobbies.

"I'll never break your fucking face," Chris will mutter in reply.

But that's skipping all the way to 'happily ever after,' so let's go back to day one.)

(x)

Mr. Pearlman's people had called Chris and scheduled a meeting with him. He was in a state of nervous anticipation. He didn't want to get his hopes up, but this could maybe be something incredible. For months now, he'd been working on a plan and trying to gather the nerve to approach Pearlman with a proposition. And now maybe for once he wasn't going to have to be the plucky little poor kid begging for a chance to prove himself. Maybe this was his chance just plain being handed to him.

He turned a corner, and there was the big guy, Mr. Pearlman, laughing and patting the shoulder of some really hot guy.

Chris knew who Kevin Richardson was, of course. The guy wasn't famous yet, but he had a recording contract now, a real fucking record contract, and Chris had done his homework. He had some fliers and things that had been done to promote the Backstreet Boys. He'd spent plenty of time thinking "that could have been me."

Well, no. Chris wasn't a bass, so there was no way that Richardson's spot would have ever been Chris's. But Richardson could have been his band mate. If he'd heard correctly, they were almost exactly the same age, too. "We could have been friends," he'd thought a time or two.

(Twenty-three times actually, but no one was counting.)

So, he recognized Richardson, but not immediately. 

On the fliers, Richardson was a good-looking guy who'd been styled and photographed by someone kind of cheap. It was all very 'Band wardrobe provided by: Low Bidder.' 

Richardson seemed taller in person. The angles of his face were more intriguing. And he was just really fucking compelling. 

So, Chris's thoughts skipped and jumped from "That's Mr. Pearlman" to "Ooo, who's--?" to "Wow, I could climb him like a fucking tree" to "Oh, that's Richardson" and back to "Yeah, no, I really, really want to climb him, but I also want to make a joke about a squirrel and nuts. Is it too early to make a nuts joke? Maybe I could just cling to him and suck on his neck and--"

Fear suddenly shot through his spine, like the proverbial squirrel had turned to ice and skated down Chris's back as fast as it could, desperate to get its nuts safely far, far away.

Chris took a shaky breath, and then a deeper, slightly more steady one. For a moment he'd thought that there was something scary in Richardson's eyes or maybe in the way he'd moved as he'd turned to look at Chris.

After a few more breaths, Chris realized that it was adrenaline making him see danger in normal, harmless things. His higher brain functions had just kicked in to warn him that he was thinking sexy thoughts in front of Mr. Pearlman--sexy, gay thoughts. Ugh. He did not want to do that. Chris respected the man's opinion and influence, and he wanted the opportunity that the Backstreet Boys had been given, but he didn't ever want to have a sexy thought in his presence. He couldn't think of anyone worse for it. He'd rather have sexy thoughts right in front of his mother, although he rather hoped that would also never happen again.

Richardson said, "Bye, Lou," and walked away. No introduction. No smile. Not even a nod to acknowledge Chris. Absolutely nada.

Richardson hesitated at the end of the hall, though. As Lou greeted Chris and ushered him into the office, Chris was certain that Richardson was watching them from the corner of his eye.

There were other guys in Lou's office. Lou introduced them, but after a few minutes, Chris couldn't recall the particulars. The blond one had a bit of sunburn on his nose and at his hairline. The other looked too young for his gray hair, but Chris suspected plastic surgery was to thank for that. Although why someone vain enough for surgery wouldn't also dye his hair was beyond him... No, he supposed that in certain situations it was better to look young for your age than to actually seem young and, therefore, less influential.

That didn't help Chris's confidence. He was young and seemed younger in all of the wrong ways. And he was all alone here. No friends. No band mates. And he couldn't even get a friendly look from a guy who maybe could have been a friend and band mate if life had gone just a little differently.

Once the inconsequentials were out of the way, Lou asked, "What do you think about soulmates?"

Chris wasn't ready for that. It was too personal, and to make it worse, he didn't know what they wanted to hear. He knew that Backstreet sang a few soulmate themed songs. So maybe they wanted him to be an enthusiastic believer. 

He wished that they would just want him to be a good singer, because he was a good singer, dammit. And while he'd had his moments of wishing for a manlier voice, he didn't really want that. His range was what made him stand out as something special. He didn't have to think that finding your soulmate would make life all happiness, rainbows, and daisies forever to be able to sing songs about rainbows and daisies. He could sing the fuck out of rainbows and daisies.

He took a chance. He didn't have a lie prepared, and as much as he didn't want to be honest with strangers, these weren't people that he wanted to lie to without forethought.

"Uh. I know soulmates are real. People aren't making it up about their marks changing. At least, I know that part is true. My mother met her soulmate..." 

There were pleased smiles around the room.

"… and then he died. Before I was born." The blond started to say something, so Chris hurried to say more before he had to listen to an empty apology. "Like way before me. I'm not her soulmate's kid. So." There was so much more he could say about that, but it wasn't anyone's business, so... "Yeah. I know they're real, but I'm not looking for mine."

The smiles all around were brighter now, which was a little creepy. Alluding to some sort of soulmate-related trauma in your past shouldn't make people happier.

"Yes," Lou said, "I think you'll be a good fit for a new project I have in the works." He laughed and gestured like Chris should come closer to be let in on the joke. Chris didn't move. It would be awkward, getting out of his chair and then what? There weren't any more chairs. What was he supposed to do?

"No, what am I saying?" Lou continued with another chuckle. "'Good fit'? No, you'll be an excellent fit." He turned to the other two men. "Don't you think so?"

They were not convinced, but allowed that they could be persuaded to Lou's point of view.

"Wonderful!" Lou clapped his hands together, and Chris suppressed a horrible urge to laugh. This man had the means to give him an incredible opportunity--oh please god, let this be what Chris thought it was going to be--so Chris had better not fuck it up by thinking Lou looked like a performing seal, one of those really big and blubbery ones.

"I'm glad that's settled," Lou said. "Now then, Chris. There is a project that I'd like you to be a part of. It's going to double all of my expenses for a while. It might be a bit of a hardship at first, but let me worry about that. In the long run, I'm sure the return on my investment will be well beyond double."

"Oh, yes, " the burnt blond said. "We could go over those numbers again. The projections are--"

"Chris doesn't want to be bored with all that," Lou said. "He'll want the exciting part, so let's give him the exciting part! Chris, my boy, I want the Backstreet Boys to have a brother band."

A brother band? What was that?

"And I want you to be a part of it."

"Wow, thank you. Really. Thank you, but... I'm not sure what you mean by 'brother' band. Like one band, ten guys?" 

Not that there weren't ten-man choral groups, but it didn't seem like a feasible idea for a boy band. At that point, why not add one more guy and have a football team instead?

"No. Two bands, but like brothers. You're similar, you do similar things, and sometimes you go to the same places together. But you're still different. You have a different take on things and sometimes you go off and do something all on your own."

"Okay..." Chris said, because he wasn't a convinced, but... a band of his own. The best answer was really a no-brainer. "What do I need to do?"

They talked for well over an hour, outlining Chris's role in their "project," and the look, attitude, and sound that this band should have. He wasn't thrilled by how "sound" came last on that list, but he understood the reality of it.

Some of the things they talked about made Chris a little uneasy. Like he had a negative gut reaction to some of the things they said, but then when he thought about it, he could sort of see it just like they did. And he wasn't sure if that was a good thing.

Like when the gray-haired guy went into this big long thing about technology's impact on soulmate bonds. Modern transportation, and then computers, and then the internet had vastly increased people's chances of finding their soulmate. A hundred years ago, the chance was only like 5%. Ten years ago it was around 12%, and now it was very nearly 24%. And they expected it to skyrocket soon. 

They had projections based on America Online's growth, developments with Lexis-Nexis and some other database giants, and they were very certain of their projections. The technology was almost there, and companies were working on it around the clock, because there was a great, great deal of money to be made by helping people find their soulmates. 

Lou was going to take them all for a ride on the rocket of increased media interest in soulmates. It was crazy and sort of horrible. Soulbonds shouldn't be a cash cow.

But on the other hand, Chris wasn't convinced that everyone actually had a soulmate. It was a theory. No one knew for certain, because for several thousand years, soulmates had been all but unheard of. He'd always been fascinated by the stories of ancient peoples who stoned soulmated couples to death or burned them or something equally awful because they'd been demon-touched. What else could corrupt and change the mark of one's soul which was placed upon them by the gods at their birth?

And if Chris did have a soulmate, well... it wasn't like they had ever done anything for him. Chris could stand to milk a few bucks from this cow.

His head was swimming when he got out of there. He'd had so much information shoved into his brain, and he had so much to do. He should probably be jumping up and down in giddy excitement, but he couldn't. It was too much.

He stepped outside and nearly banged straight into Richardson, who was glaring at him like if eyes were lasers, Chris would be crispy-fried.

"Sorry," Chris said. "Sorry, I was distracted."

Richardson continued to glare, like maybe he was pissed at Chris for more than just nearly running him over. Not that Richardson couldn't have handled him, Chris was sure. Chris was a poor underfed squirrel and Richardson was a mighty Sequoia of a man.

The way he was glaring, though... Fuck. Had he heard everything they'd discussed? No, he couldn't have. Unless... 

Would he have followed them back into the office? Listened at the door? Would Lou's assistant lady have let him do that? He was probably good-looking enough to James Bond his way past anyone. Yes, Chris could see it. Timothy Dalton wished he looked half as good as this guy. 

Chris wanted to say something like "You can dial the glare back, buddy. We're not going to be rivals. We can be friends." But he blinked, and Richardson was gone. Like no sign of him at all, totally gone.

Dude could move fast. 

What the hell. That was weird.

(x)

All along, Chris had been planning to ask Joey to be in his band, so it was awesome that Joey actually fit within the guidelines Lou had given him. Joey was tall, dark, and handsome--not crazily so like Richardson--but plenty enough so. Lou hadn't actually specified "tall, dark, and handsome" but Chris thought he could read that between the lines of Lou's convoluted and contradictory directions. They pretty much amounted to "they need to be exactly like the Backstreet Boys, but uniquely not like the Backstreet Boys." 

The whole thing felt like pulling boy-band bunnies out of a magical hat.

"One should be a bad boy who isn't really a bad boy. Another has sex appeal, and maybe a hint of a wandering eye, but not so much that he couldn't be won over to love just one special girl. One has to be earnest and sincere, with hearts and stars in his eyes, wanting to be in love, but not soulmate crazy. I don't want to hear about soulmates because you're not going to be my soulmate band."

Chris figured that he himself was the "broken in the past, but stoic and perhaps mysterious, girls will want to mend his broken heart" one. It didn't really fit him, but then it sort of really did. He knew he could play that part so easily that it wouldn't feel like acting at all.

Joey had met his soulmate. So, he really shouldn't fit in Lou's Not Soulmate Band. 

(Chris was beginning to think of it as "N'Soulmates" which was stupid because it sounded a lot like "nozzle mates" in his head. But Chris couldn't help the way his brain worked or the way it would keep revisiting stupid ideas, rolling them around and prodding at them. 

"Nozzle mates" eventually became "In Sink" one day when he was doing the dishes with Lynn Harless at a sink with one of those extra nozzle-things attached to a hose. The rest was, as they say, history.)

But Joey was perfect, because Joey was--as far as Chris knew--the only person in the entire world who'd met his soulmate and still didn't think it was a big deal.

"Wait," Joey said. "Can you explain that again? 'Cause I'm really not seeing why it's important that we're anti-soulmate. I'm not anti-soulmate, I'm just--"

"It's not anti-soulmate. It's just... we're the 'not-soulmate' band."

Joey laughed. "Did you just say 'nozzle mate'?" 

(Joey really was perfect.)

"Don't be stupid," Chris said. "Who ever heard of nozzle mates?"

He tried to summarize the whole spiel that the blond guy and gray-haired guy had done for him.

"Right now, there's all these people in the middle ranges, okay? 

"Some don't really believe in soulmates, but they think it's a harmless dream. A nice thought for a dreary day, or something. So like... that's just the thing for a pop song.

"And there's also people who believe in them, but think it's so unlikely to find theirs, that they're not looking. But every once in a while, they think, 'wouldn't it be romantic?' And that's just the thing for an album or two of pop songs, right?"

"Yeah," Joey said. "And that's what the Backstreet Boys are going to do. What about us?"

"Well, it's more complicated. Supposedly there will some breakthroughs in the next few years that will really get people talking. There will be lots of media attention. And more people will be able to find their soulmates. 

"When that happens, you get extremes, and the more extreme one side is, the more extreme the other side will also be. You'll have die-hard believers who will go to ridiculous lengths and pay any price to find their soulmate.

"And you'll have people in an uproar over how 'new age' it all is. And there will be people who think it's all a hoax. Like the loonies who don't believe the moon landings were real."

"Ooo! I really like the ones who think the government is secretly in control of the weather!" Joey said. "And the ones who think Mount Rushmore is a fake, and--"

"Exactly."

"So we're going to sing to the loonies?"

"No. But... Um. Let me just do this whole spiel, or I'll get lost."

"You should do it with sock puppets, you know. You could get a yellow sock and a gray sock to be the two guys."

"That's really helpful. Thanks, Joe."

"No problem. I've got your back, man."

"Who even has yellow socks?"

"What's wrong with yellow socks? They're happy. Happy socks for happy feet."

"Yeah..." Chris said. "Right. So, there's loonies--those would be the ones wearing yellow socks. But there's also conservatives. They'll want to protect old-fashioned values. People have gone without their soulmates for thousands of years and they've been just fine. Plain old romantic love in all of its imperfections should be cherished and searching for your soulmate is... selfish--and probably destructive to the order of society."

"Whoa!"

"Yeah... but... it is sort of selfish. I think?"

"What's wrong with being a little selfish?"

"Well... some people take it too far?"

"Hmm. I don't know. I don't... I don't want to sing to people who think I'm selfish--or to people who judge me for my socks, man."

"We won't be singing to them," Chris said. "We're still talking about the extremes. When there are extremes like that, if you have a band balanced in the middle ground, who sings a few soulmate songs, they can only reach so far." Chris held his hands up at his shoulders. "Their reach is like this. But if you have two bands... one just a few steps towards the pro-soulmates extreme and one just a few steps towards the anti-soulmates extreme..." 

Chris moved his hands out away from each other. "Then between the two bands, you have a much larger audience."

"And," Joey said, "all those people in the middle will buy our album as well as theirs."

"Exactly."

"Okay," Joey said. "But we should still get some sock puppets."

"You don't want to sing to loonies, but you still want puppets."

"Hell, yeah. Don't you?"

(x)

(Joey's completed soulmate mark was two curves on his ankle that looked like a snake or maybe an S. He'd shown it to Chris one day while talking about tattoos.

"I'm thinking of tattooing over it, you know? Now that we've found each other, it's sort of... private, right? Nobody decent will ink over a soulmark. They don't want you to make a mistake you'll always regret later. But like, I'm pretty sure if I bring Kel in with me, they'll know I don't need it any more. She can show her matching mark and then I'm thinking, I can get the Superman S on me. I'm not like a crazy Superman fan, but he's cool. I feel like I have a connection to him now, 'cause I'm marked with his S. Maybe she'll get a Superman tatt, as well. That would be romantic, yeah?"

Only Joey, Chris thought. Who else but Joey could have a completed soulmate mark and feel more connected to a fictional character than his actual soulmate?

"No," Joey said, apparently reading Chris's thoughts. "It's not like that. I love her, man. She's awesome--beyond awesome--but she's not like my everything. I was like 'I wanted to date you, but I'm so not ready to settle down and be all soulmates together and stuff. There's stuff I want to do, things I want to see.'"

Chris felt a strong urge to say, "No, no, no! Now that you've found her, don't waste a second of the time you have together." But that was his mother's baggage, and he was trying his best to stop hauling it around himself.

Joey laughed. 

"That made her so fucking mad. She was all 'Quit being a sexist prick, Fatone! I have things I want to do too, you know. You couldn't make me settle down to play happy little soulmate homemaker if you tried.'" Joey sighed, and gave him a dopey smile. "She really is perfect. Perfect for me.")

(x)

The next time Chris saw Richardson was the day that Chris brought Joey in to meet Lou.

Lou seemed to like Joey, which was great, but Chris wasn't feeling so great at the moment. He and Joey had collected some video tapes of different guys they knew. Some of them were like friends of friends of friends, but still, they were all guys that Joey was certain would jump at the chance to work with them. But they weren't sure who to approach next, who would fit best with what Lou was looking for. And the one kid, Justin... Ugh. Chris hadn't wanted to bring his tape. He knew the kid, he was fucking talented, but Chris's gut churned at the thought of bringing him to Lou. He was just a kid.

Chris had no reason for this. He'd never heard anything about Lou to make him uneasy about it. But Chris had been a small kid, and that had made him look younger and more vulnerable than he really was. So he'd learned a few things over the years. One of the phys ed teachers, one of the neighbors, and some of his mother's boyfriends--though never the ones who lasted long--had taught Chris that there were times when you got a bad feeling and you needed to trust your gut.

But Joey knew Justin, too. "Come on, he's a great kid, and he can sing like..." Joey made a weird gesture that was a mix of jazz hands and a bomb blast, so Chris decided to interpret it as "yeah, man, he can really fucking sing."

And of course Lou liked Justin's tape best, because that's how life worked. Give someone an option that you don't really want them to choose, they're going to go straight to that option.

So Joey and Chris were walking out of that meeting, and Chris was regretting bringing Justin's tape and wishing there was someone he could actually talk to about this. The Backstreet Boys had some really young guys, too. And it sucked that Richardson only wanted to glare at Chris, because he could tell Chris if there was something to worry about. Richardson would know.

And speak of the devil, there was Richardson glaring at them.

"Hey, Joey," Chris said. He didn't dare blink or look away from Richardson. His vanishing act was too good. "I'll catch up with you later, okay?"

"Sure, man. Whatever."

"Hey," Chris said, approaching Richardson. "Please don't disappear again?"

The guy's mouth twitched, like maybe that was a smirk or he was privately laughing at Chris. It wasn't a full-on glare, though. So... progress?

"I'm... uh... Hi, I'm Chris Kirkpatrick." Chris held out his hand, but Richardson just nodded and ignored the gesture.

"Geez," Chris muttered. "Look, I could really use some advice. Like the sort of advice that only you could possibly give."

"Why would I do that?"

Jesus. Really? What had Chris ever done to this guy? Other than secretly think he was ridiculously and unfairly attractive?

"Because," Chris said, "from everything I hear, your cousin is a super nice guy? So you're probably not as scary as you look?"

He looked pleased at that, the bastard.

"I mean," Chris said, "not scary as in 'scary' but... intimidating."

"No, I'm good with 'scary as in scary.'"

"Yeah, I'm sure you are, because you seem to enjoy being an asshole. But look, we're not rivals. We're not in a competition. And honestly, I'd like to be your friend."

Oh my god. How pathetic and Kindergarten-aged did he sound now? 

Chris fucking hated this. He hated feeling small and needy. Hated being the puny little kid with the most embarrassing soulmark he'd ever heard of, who'd been pantsed by bullies at school so they could laugh at him and then laugh some more when they saw his mark. 

He wasn't that kid any more. Chris made people laugh. They didn't laugh at him. He'd learned to use his smart mouth, to be cocky and clever enough to find others' weak spots, and to hit low if he ever had to.

"What would you like to know?" Richardson said.

The relief that swept through him at Richardson's words made Chris weak in the knees. He really hadn't wanted to fight with the guy--and not just because he probably wouldn't have won against him.

"Can we talk about it somewhere else?" Chris said.

"Here is good for me."

Chris sighed and stepped closer to him. It meant he was definitely invading Richardson's bubble of personal space, and he had to look way up to meet his eyes. He spoke quietly. "Do you trust Lou? With Nick?"

Richardson stared down at him with a hard look on his face for a long minute, then he grabbed Chris's wrist and dragged him around the corner, into a small shaded spot between two buildings. Chris's pulse pounded like crazy against Richardson's grip. This was hardly a dark alley, but it felt like it.

Richardson dropped his wrist, but leaned close, crowding him.

"No one should be alone with Lou. Ever."

"Has he--?"

"He hasn't done anything," Richardson said. "But do you... Have you ever looked at someone and seen straight down to the heart of them? You know that feeling?"

"A little, yeah."

"No one should be alone with him," Richardson repeated. "And if you end up with a couple of young ones? A couple of lambs? Lambs can't be each others' protection. They're just a bigger feast that way. Got it?"

"You're scaring me a little."

"I told you. I'm okay with being scary."

"I heard he was like a father to you," Chris said.

Richardson stepped away from him. "My father died a long time ago. A really long time ago."

"I'm sorry, I--"

Richardson shook his head. "Don't be. I'm not looking for a father figure. But that's what we'll say, I'm sure. We'll all have to tell lies to protect what's most important to us." He took another step away from Chris. "Learn your lies well."

"Kevin," Chris said, and then held his breath a moment, waiting. It was crazy, but there was something about the guy. Like characters in old books, when you really didn't use a person's name without permission.

"Yes, Chris?" The tone of his voice hinted at a smile, probably a sardonic smile, but his face was still all 'any kind of smile will break this broody perfection.'

"Honestly, do you think that will be enough? Will they be safe?"

Kevin moved in close to him again. He touched Chris's neck. Chris's pulse jumped and pounded beneath those fingers, and for a moment Chris felt like a swooning maiden. Seriously, fuck his life. Ridiculously hot guys shouldn't be allowed to touch him when Chris wasn't free to throw himself at them in return.

"I think so. I can't say for certain. I think keeping them out of situations in which they'll be--" Kevin's fingers traced a line across Chris's neck. "--irresistible temptations will be enough. Just... don't ever forget the type of man he is."

"Which type?" Chris's voice came out very quietly. He barely had breath to put behind his words.

"The type who isn't in the habit of saying no to temptation."

"What about you?" Chris said, thinking that Kevin was a whole lot of temptation, too. Sure, he was tall and not a lamb, but did he feel safe? Did he put the scary face on as a defense? 

But he must have blinked because suddenly Kevin was well out of arm's reach.

"Resisting temptation is the story of my life." 

Kevin turned and walked away.

"What the fuck." Chris wiped a palm over his neck. He still felt a little swoony. "What is with that guy?"

(x)

(Chris would never ever tell a soul that later that night, he stripped naked, and then balanced on the narrow edge of the tub in his tiny little bathroom. He twisted and craned around, trying to catch a glimpse of his ass in the mirror of the medicine cabinet. As far as he could tell, under the less than ideal conditions, his soulmark looked the same as always.

He wasn't disappointed. He didn't want to find his soulmate. He didn't want a soulmate who was intimidatingly sexy--even if that could add an interestingly kinky element to his sad, sad life.

It was just that Kevin had touched him. Had actually touched him twice, and neck touching was pretty intimate for virtual strangers. And Chris had felt so odd at the time. The whole thing was odd. So it wouldn't have surprised him to see that his soulmark had become a completed soulmate mark.

Yeah, right. Kevin Richardson really didn't strike him as the sort of guy who needed a man with a kissy lip print on his ass to complete him. That would be ridiculous.

He wasn't disappointed.

If his mark had changed, though? He wouldn't have been upset.

And it would have made a certain kind of sense, right? A guy whose soulmark was on his butt probably deserved a soulmate who liked being an asshole.)

(x)

Justin didn't quite fit Lou's stated requirements, but Chris thought he'd grow into being all starry-eyed about love. He had that certain overeager puppy-ness about him. But they could train him not to obsess over soulmates, if he became that way inclined.

At the moment, what Chris appreciated the most about Justin was who Justin brought with him. Justin had a fiercely protective mother who obviously loved him and wanted him to "follow his bliss." Lynn didn't look at Justin with dollar signs in her eyes. So Chris was pretty sure that she wouldn't let potential income blind her to potential dangers to her son.

It was a weight off Chris's mind, and he'd do whatever he could to keep her with them.

Justin also brought JC. At first, Chris wasn't sure about him. Honestly, the guy's voice was too good for a boy band. Shouldn't he be pursuing something else? But, then... well, he was currently a Mouseketeer along with Justin. If JC didn't feel like he was too good to be a mouse, then Chris wasn't going to argue with him about it.

He also wasn't sure how JC fit the band image. He was tall, dark, and awkward. Chris figured there was a 50/50 chance that he would grow out of the awkward.

"What do you think about soulmates?" Chris asked him.

JC laughed. Not like, 'oh, ha ha, that was funny.' He laughed like he had to laugh because he was happy and life was full of joy and kittens. It was weird. Chris had seen some weird stuff in the last few weeks, but this was the weirdest yet.

"I don't believe that I have a soulmate," JC said. He stepped on the heel of his right shoe, then stepped out of that shoe, and folded and twisted his leg like a goddamn alien yoga pretzel. It was beyond weird. "I think I'm complete in myself. See?"

He stood there, perfectly balanced on one leg, with the sole of his foot up for Chris's inspection, and Chris didn't know if it was time to break out a sole-mate joke or to call an ambulance because JC had like just dislocated his everything.

"Whoa. Bendy," is what actually came out of his mouth. 

JC smiled. "Yeah, I know."

Chris shook himself out of his 'what is this insanity?' stupor, and looked at JC's foot.

"Huh," Chris said.

"I know, right?" JC said.

Most soulmarks were either simple shapes or like ink blots that you had to interpret. Completed soulmate marks were usually a bit clearer, but they were still fairly simple and somewhat open to interpretation. Like how Chris thought Joey's mark was more like a snake than an S.

There was no denying that JC's mark was the face of a lion.

"That's a pretty complex shape," Chris said.

JC nodded, then untwisted, which was a relief. Just looking at him had made Chris's leg ache in sympathy.

"I was adopted," JC said. "So no one can tell me if it was like that when I was born. But it's been like that for as long as I remember. And I really don't think I met my soulmate when I was a toddler."

"It's a possibility."

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Maybe I'll tell you when I know you better." JC smiled and slipped his shoe back on.

After that, Chris figured he had to keep JC around, too. The curiosity would kill him otherwise. With that amount of weirdness, there had to be quite a story behind it all.

(x)

Justin and JC were still doing the Mickey Mouse Club. 

That was okay, because they knew production was scheduled to end in a few weeks, and they were willing to work around it. Chris hadn't been sure if Lou would accept that. Lou acted like it was a bit of a sacrifice on his part, but a compromise that he was willing to make. They'd have to work hard to make up for the missed time, but at least he was getting "two young men who've already proven they can work hard." 

It didn't hurt, Chris was sure, that Justin and JC had a small fan-following already.

They worked with a bass named Jason for several weeks, and things were going as well as Chris could have hoped for until MMC's production ended and Justin and JC were ready to join full time. Suddenly, it wasn't what Jason wanted any more.

Seriously, dude? Seriously? Thanks for wasting our time.

Chris didn't want anyone in the band who didn't want to be there like 100%. So yeah, goodbye, no hard feelings. Except, of course, there were some hard feelings.

Justin eventually found Lance for them, and oh dear, no one was certain about Lance.

Well, almost no one. JC was taken with Lance almost immediately. Chris figured it had to be some sort of awkwardness-based magnetism. And Justin warmed up to him pretty quickly. It was a fellow Southerner thing or maybe their closeness in age--a lambs thing, to use Kevin's word for them.

Lance's voice was bigger than he was. In Chris's more fanciful moments, he decided that Lance's voice was a monster that had consumed all of Lance's poise, confidence, and everything not-awkward about him in order to grow bigger and bigger. 

Chris had enough sense to keep quiet when he wanted to say things like "Don't get too close to Lance. His voice might eat you, too!" 

It was mean to even think that, and memories began to gnaw at Chris. Memories of being small and afraid of the dark, and having to be quiet so the monsters wouldn't find him. So he warmed up to Lance out of sympathy, and then... well... then for a while he was horribly jealous of Lance. 

Let's just say that their eventual friendship had a rocky start.

(x)

Lance was struggling, and they were struggling to find some way to help him because nothing seemed to help. Lou and his people were pretty much ready to give up on him. 

Lou thought they should get another guy, but Chris thought it was too late for that. Joey treated Lance like a little brother. JC treated Lance like... Chris wasn't sure what... like a lonely alien who'd found another of his kind and was patiently waiting for him to go into pon farr--except not quite as creepy as that sounded. And Justin really liked him, though he didn't have a lot of patience for him. If they lost Lance, they'd be lost too, Chris thought. They would soon start to lose their enthusiasm for this.

It was a struggle, until Lance began improving rapidly. Hallelujah and Amen. Praise the God of Boy Bands. 

But Lance wouldn't say what had provided this miracle, and Chris couldn't leave that alone--especially once he discovered that Lance wasn't in his room one night after he'd supposedly gone to bed. So he waited in the shadows outside of Lance's window one night--another thing that sounded creepier than it really was--and watched as he sneaked out of the house they were all staying in. 

He followed Lance, though he didn't have to go far, only over to the house the Backstreet Boys--minus Howie, who stayed with his family--used on the increasingly rare days they were in town. So that's how Chris found out that the Backstreet Boys were helping Lance learn to dance. What. How did that even. Chris's brain couldn't cope with this information.

In particular, Kevin was helping Lance learn to dance, because Kevin's hands were on Lance and the other guys were mostly just calling out advice from the comfort of their couch.

"What the fuck?" Chris said.

Lance tripped, but Kevin kept him from falling, which was easy to do since he didn't even have to move his hands to do so.

Kevin had been smiling at Lance. Smiling like smiling was actually something that Kevin's face knew how to do. But he slipped it away when he looked over at Chris, as calm and neutral as can be. 

"If we're going to be rivals," Kevin said, "you should at least be interesting rivals."

"Yeah," Nick piped in. "We don't want to compete with losers."

"I'm not a loser," Lance said, twisting out of Kevin's grasp to scowl down at Nick.

"Sure," Nick said. "Now you're not."

"We're not rivals," Chris said.

"I'm pretty sure we are," AJ said.

"We took a vote on it," Brian said.

"You took a vote on being our rivals," Chris said.

"No," Lance said. "They took a vote on us being their rivals. It's pretty cool, actually."

Seriously. What was with these people?

"We were all pretty pissed off--" Brian said.

"Like really fucking pissed off," Nick said.

"--but then we talked--"

"Kevin talked," Nick said.

"--And we decided to redirect our anger into creative rivalry," Brian finished in a rush before Nick could interrupt again.

"'Cause it's not really your fault," AJ said. "But we're not in a position to express our anger at the guilty party."

"Isn't that cool?" Lance said. "Kevin's pretty smart about people and stuff."

"And I had a very brief career as a ballroom-dance instructor," Kevin said.

"That's great," Chris said. "Too bad we're not planning a career in ballroom dancing." He jabbed a finger in Kevin's direction. "And you are not allowed to have a sense of humor."

"That wasn't a--"

"And you," Chris turned to Lance, "are not allowed to leave the house without telling someone where you're going."

"I told JC."

"An adult, Lance. Tell an adult where you're going. JC doesn't count. JC will never count--not even when he is an adult--because he won't remember to tell anyone else."

Nick and Brian snickered at that. AJ threw a piece of popcorn at them.

Chris turned to the comedians on the couch. "Thank you for helping Lance."

"You're welcome," Brian said.

"Thank you," Chris said to Lance, "for putting in the extra work. It's really making a difference."

Lance's ears turned red. "Thanks, Chris."

"We will be talking about this again later," Chris told him, before grabbing Kevin's arm. "I want to talk to you outside." He tugged, but a squirrel can't really drag around a mighty Sequoia, so nothing happened. "Outside," Chris said through gritted teeth. "Please."

"Since you asked so nicely," Kevin said, and let Chris pull him out the door.

Chris was planning to have a few words with him on the front porch, but once they were outside, Kevin took Chris's hand from his arm. "Not here," he said, and led Chris around the house, through a side gate, and into the small back yard.

"Why do you keep dragging me into the shadows with you?"

"I don't think twice is really a habit," Kevin said. He hadn't let go of Chris's hand.

"It's still kind of super creepy. Might want to nip this in the bud, you know, before a habit forms." And it was sort of creepy, Chris told himself. His heart was racing just like he was spooked.

Kevin rubbed his thumb over the pulse point in Chris's wrist. It felt too good.

"I don't think you're creeped out," Kevin said. "I think--"

"No." Chris yanked his hand away. "If this is some sort of creepy flirtation, you can do it some other time. I want to talk to you now about important stuff, about Lance."

It was hard to tell in the dark, but Kevin maybe almost smiled at that. Bastard didn't even have to decency to almost smile at him when Chris could actually see it.

"Okay," Kevin said. "I'm listening."

"Thank you for helping Lance."

"You're welcome. It's not a hardship, he just needs a little confidence. And he's a good kid."

"Yes, he is, and that's why you're never going to be alone with him."

"Are you jealous?"

"Fuck off, you fucking psycho creeper! I'm being serious right now."

"Sorry," Kevin said, genuinely sounding like he was. "I've never been alone with him and I won't be. My guys are always there with us."

"Good. Thank you. It's not... It's not that I think you're that kind of monster. If I did, I wouldn't trust your word on that. I just... I don't want to make those boys paranoid, but I need them to not lose a certain wariness about being alone with--"

"I understand."

"They're mine to protect."

"I know."

"I don't know if I can do it," Chris said. 

That was stupid because it was never a good idea to admit fear and doubt, let alone to a guy who liked playing at being scary. But he'd just blurted it out like the fuck up he was.

"You can do it," Kevin said. "You've got hidden depths."

"Yeah right. Have you seen me? I'm too short to have depths."

Kevin leaned in so close that his breath tickled Chris's ear. "You still have to get a little better at lying."

Chris shivered. 

"You don't even know me. I'm an excellent liar, the best you'll ever meet."

"Call me crazy, but I think I know you better than that."

"I already did that," Chris said. 

"'Fucking psycho creeper' isn't the same as 'crazy.'"

"Oh, did I hurt your feelings?"

"If I say 'yes', will you kiss them better?"

"If I say 'no', will you get some better lines?"

Kevin laughed, and that made Chris's heart do all sorts of ridiculous things. Chris had done that. From hostile glares to laughter in three short encounters. Yes! Chris's powers were irresistible! Who knew?

When he stopped laughing, Kevin touched the side of Chris's neck, and then brushed his fingers against the edge of Chris's mouth.

"I like you, Chris."

Chris swallowed. "Yeah."

"I do really like you."

Chris reached up--maybe to kiss him, maybe just to touch his lips in return--and Kevin abruptly backed away.

"Don't be alone with me, either," Kevin said. And the crazy fucker was gone again.

What the fuck.

Chris just stood there for a long time, and then angrily knuckled away the tears that had gathered in his eyes without permission. 

Kevin was one hell of a Grade-A asshole.

"Well, I really know how to pick 'em," Chris said to himself. "For a psycho creeper, he's a surprisingly decent guy. But the mind games are a step too far."

(Somehow, though, that didn't stop Chris from feeling hurt and jealous over the time Lance spent getting dancing lessons from him.)

 

(1996)

 

"Fuck the Backstreet Boys," Justin said for like the hundredth time in the last two days, and then he kicked the back of Chris's chair.

Chris was about to go ballistic. At the moment, they were all piled into one dinky German hotel room. There was a mix up and the powers that be were working on getting more rooms. In the meantime, Justin and Lance were on one bed, doing homework that seemed to require frequent 'Piss Chris Off' breaks on Justin's part. JC was busy painting Joey's nails on the other bed... which... Well, Chris thought the black polish on Joey's fingernails was cool, but voluntarily touching Joey's toes was something else all together.

Chris could have moved his chair out of kicking range, but he needed to be right where he was. The hotel was actually decent enough to have a VCR, but there wasn't a remote. He needed to keep rewinding the tape he was watching.

Justin kicked the chair again.

"Shut up!" Chris said.

"Fuck you," Justin said.

"I am so glad your mother can't hear you right now," Chris said. "She'd weep motherly tears of anguish over the shit coming from your mouth."

"She'd understand that it's... it's..."

"Justifiable swearing," Lance said. "On account of being driven crazy."

"It shouldn't bother you that much," Chris told Justin. "Of course the Backstreet Boys are going to have a few music videos before we do. They were a band before we were."

"The videos?" Lance said. "I'm not blaming the videos."

"I am!" Justin and Joey both shouted

"Stop moving," JC told Joey.

"Okay," Lance said. "I blame the video, too. But only because Chris has watched it like fifty times since yesterday, so I'm pretty much regretting all of my life choices at this point."

So maybe Chris had hit the rewind button a few too many times already, but--

"I turned the sound down when you asked me to!"

"Do you know how sad it is to be watching music videos with the sound off?" Lance said.

"Do you know how fucked up it is to be obsessively watching a Backstreet video?" Justin said. "It's like you want to be one of them."

Well that was pretty fucking hypocritical coming from Justin. "Last week you said you wished you were one of them!"

"Yeah," Justin said. "But I was mad last week. And I only said it once."

"I don't want to be a Backstreet Boy," Chris told him. "This is just like... the best video ever."

Justin snorted. "No, it's not. They look fucking lame. We'd look--"

"I know," Chris said. "It's amazing."

"He's delirious," Lance said to Justin.

"Maybe he's running a fever!" Justin hopped up and threw himself at Chris. "Let me feel your forehead!"

Chris tried to push him off, but Justin had good spider-monkey clinging skills. Shoving him away was harder than it should have been.

"Get off! I'm not sick! You just don't understand how magical that video is. They took someone as freakin' hot as Kevin and turned him into an awkward hip-hop Vulcan. It's amazing."

"Oh," Joey said.

"'An awkward hip-hop Vulcan'," Lance said.

"Do you know how disturbing your whole Kevin thing is?" Joey said.

"He doesn't look like a Vulcan," Lance said.

"No," JC said. "Chris has a point. He's definitely got a Spock thing going on."

"Spock would never get down, get down, and move it all around," Lance said.

"That's why it's brilliant," Chris said.

"He doesn't look--" Justin said.

"No. Look at that haircut. Those are horrible Vulcan bangs and they did something freaky to his ears."

"I never realized that ears could look that pointy from just a bad hair cut," JC mused.

"I know, right?" Chris said. "And they stuck him in that yellow jacket. And it's got like a sideways Starfleet emblem on it."

"Yeah," JC said. "I mean, I can tell it's not really a Starfleet emblem, but it seems a deliberate choice."

"But Spock wears science blues," Joey said. "Not command gold."

JC smiled. "So maybe he got out of bed in a hurry and accidentally grabbed Kirk's shirt."

"You're all sick," Justin said.

"His eyebrows are wrong," Lance said. "They're like completely horizontal. The most horizontal eyebrows ever. They should be slanted."

"The angle is wrong," JC said. "But I think it still works. Maybe they're not Vulcan eyebrows, but they're definitely inhuman."

"Can we please stop talking about Kevin's eyebrows?" Justin said.

"Yeah," Joey said. "We should talk about the real problem."

"Okay," Chris said. "I'm sorry if I watched the video too much in front of you. I'll save it for another time."

"It's really not the video," Joey said. "It's the whole obsession."

"I am not obsessed with Kevin," Chris said. "We just... Kevin and I have a complicated relationship based on mutual glaring."

"It's weird," Lance said. "Because you're always telling us that they're not our rivals. And they aren't! I like them all a lot. But then you're always glaring at him."

"What I'm really concerned about is all of the glaring he's doing back," Joey said. "The dude's starting to scare me."

"Well," JC said. "There's a reason for that."

"He's not--" Chris said. "He's not scary for real. That's just his face."

"I don't think he's scary," Lance said.

"His face is just scary," Justin said. "I don't mind him, except for how much you talk about him."

"No," Joey said. "Maybe it's just me... But just lately... He for real scares me."

"There is a reason for that," JC repeated.

"What?" Joey said.

"Do you really want me to say in front of the children?"

"What!" Justin said. "We're not children. Stop treating us like babies!"

Joey frowned and leaned closer to JC. "What are you talking about?" he quietly asked.

JC whispered something in his ear, and Joey's face turned red.

"Ooo," Chris said.

"I want to know!" Justin said.

"That... that didn't mean anything," Joey told JC.

"I want to know!" Chris said.

"JC, tell us," Justin said. "I'll be your best friend."

"That's not going to convince him," Lance muttered.

"Please, JC."

"He thinks it's because Kevin saw me hooking up last week," Joey said.

"Boring," Chris said. "Who hasn't seen you hooking up?"

"Um..." Joey said. 

He looked at JC, and they had a moment of silent communication. Which gave Chris a moment to wonder if maybe Kevin liked Joey now, the way he had once said he liked Chris. Was he giving Joey creepy glaring eyes out of jealousy?

JC said, "Joey hooked up with a girl whose hair was just like yours, Chris."

Huh.

Chris flipped his braids and struck a pose. "I'd like to say that she had good taste, but obviously it's only good taste in hair styles. Not in men."

"Um," Lance said. Now he sounded disturbed.

Justin must have understood him, because a second later, a really disturbed look crossed his face too.

"Why would you... sleep with a girl who looked like Chris?" Justin said.

"That's not cool," Lance said.

"She didn't look like Chris!" Joey said. "She was totally different. She was hot--"

Chris jumped on the bed and wrapped himself around Joey. (Justin wasn't the only one with spider-monkey skills.) "Baby, are you saying I'm not hot enough for you anymore?"

"Fuck you," Joey said.

Justin giggled.

"Any time you want, baby. You don't have to seek out other girls."

"It wasn't at all like that," Joey said.

"No," JC said. "But it looked exactly like that from the other side of the club. And I know Kevin saw you."

"What?" Chris said.

"I think Joey's getting death glares because Kevin thinks you're sleeping together."

"We're not!" Joey said.

"We know you're not," Lance said.

"Why would Kevin care?" Justin said. "Oh! Is he homophobic?"

"Oh my god," Joey said.

Oh my god, Chris thought. 

"Um..." Chris said. "Not to break up this intervention or whatever it is, but... I think I need to go for a walk."

"I'll go with!" JC reached for his shoes and things.

"What about my toes?" Joey said. Three of his toe nails were still 'au naturel.'

"They'll still be here when I get back," JC said.

(x)

"I don't want to talk about Kevin," Chris said.

JC shrugged. "That's fine. We can talk about me."

"Did you hook up with a girl who looked like me, too?"

JC shook his head. "No. But then, I wouldn't need a middle-man--a middle-woman?--if I wanted to have sex with you. I'd just have sex with you."

"You're all killing me tonight. Is it 'let's tell Chris we don't want to sleep with him' night?"

"Nope. I'd be happy to have sex with you. But you're not interested."

"I don't know," Chris said. "You are getting cuter."

"Yes, I am." JC twirled about, and then smiled one of his dopier smiles. "But you're just saying that."

"Um... No offense."

"None taken."

They walked a little way in silence. But it bugged Chris, because he knew JC wouldn't seek his company if he wanted some peace and quiet. Not even JC was that deluded.

"Weren't we going to talk about you?" Chris said.

"Yep!" JC glanced back at the bodyguards who were trailing after them. They were keeping their distance right now. "Pretty soon, we'll never have even this much privacy, you know?"

Chris nodded. It was a little crazy at times, although not so much when they weren't sharing a schedule with Backstreet. But seeing what was happening with the Backstreet Boys, he was certain they'd all have to fight off hordes soon.

"Do you remember my soulmark?" JC asked.

Uh. Pretty hard to forget it when JC wore a necklace just like it all the time now.

"Yeah."

"Want to hear something weird?"

"Oh, JC. You know you're my number one go-to guy for all things weird."

JC smiled. Because to JC, that was a compliment. That was how weird he was.

"I think I was born with a completed soulmark because I met my soulmate in a previous life."

… What.

"Seriously?"

"Yep."

"But like, one of the theories is that your soulmate is your soulmate through all of your lives--if you believe in that sort of thing. And that's why we have the marks. They help you find each other again."

"Well, if that were true..." JC said. "Then it's a pretty lousy system. Like. Give us an address, right? Or a name, birth date, etcetera."

"Okay, but... if you met her once, why aren't you looking for her again?"

"Him, actually. And it isn't like that."

"You might have already met him again, like you said before, like when you were a toddler."

"I don't think so."

Chris had so many questions to ask. "Is it the same as before? Wouldn't it have to be, if it's a soulmark and you believe in reincarnation of the soul? It's the same soul, so it would have to be the same soulmark."

"Well... we didn't have the best mirrors back then, and given that monks weren't exactly encouraged to waste time looking in mirrors--"

"Monks?"

"I was a monk. Yes."

"Oh my god," Chris said.

"Yes."

"If I die laughing, will you call an ambulance?"

"Shut up."

"A monk. I don't see it."

"Well, I wasn't the most dedicated of monks. There were complaints that I wasn't as enthusiastic about all of my tasks the way I was about singing the hours. But--"

"What was your name? You couldn't use Jesus' initials if you were all monastic, right?"

"Jesus' initials weren't actually JC, you know."

"What was your name?"

"Hilary."

Chris laughed. "You're killing me."

"It was the early 600s. I was named after the saint. The martyred saint, who was a man, because Hilary was a man's name."

"If you say so."

"Saint Hilary was a very significant personage to our abbey. For that matter, so was Saint Patrick."

"You were Irish?"

"No. It's France now. My soulmate was named Patrick after the saint."

"So... monks together in love."

"No. We were celibate. And I loved his voice. He sang like an angel. I could have happily sung with him every hour of every day. But like, I didn't even pine for him or anything."

"Are you sure you were soulmates?"

"I was born with a smudge of a mark on my throat. It wasn't nearly as detailed as my mark is now. Of course, I couldn't really see it. But I was around reflective surfaces sometimes. I know it was a blob that later became vaguely recognizable as the mane of a lion, but only after hearing Patrick sing."

"Did you touch him?"

"We must have occasionally bumped hands in our work, but it wasn't like that. The first time I came across him, he was singing alone while working in a secluded part of the grounds. Singing and tilling one of the medicinal herb beds.

"I couldn't move away. I listened and my heart soared. He wasn't even looking at me for the longest time, but when he turned and saw me, my mark had already changed."

"I... Wow. I didn't think that was possible," Chris said.

JC shrugged.

"There's so very many variable and unlikelinesses in finding one's soulmate--especially way back then! Maybe people don't want to think it's possible to have yet another variable. Or maybe we're all unique enough that how our marks change will be unique to us as well.

"He turned and saw me and exclaimed over the lion on my neck. It was... Sometimes, it was considered a symbol of evil. But it's also a symbol of Christ. So, it was definitely something remarkable. I had to always be careful to hide it after that."

"Wow," Chris said. "Thanks for telling me about it." If any of that was true, it was really private--and fascinating. But, well... This was JC... So who knew if it was true or just something he'd dreamed.

"You're welcome," JC said. "But that's not what I wanted to talk to you about."

"And what would that be?"

"My soulmark is different now, and in a different place. And I think it's because this time around, I'm allowed to walk away from all that. I'm done with it. The strictly-regimented life, the self-denial, the celibacy..."

"Yes. I'm not calling you a slut, but--"

"I'm okay with being a slut. Slut shaming is stupid. And I’m here to live life to the fullest and have lots of sex."

Chris laughed. "That's right. You're JC Chasez, living the pop life."

"Yes, and that's what I wanted to talk about."

"Your sex life."

"My sexual expertise--or in this case, how I'm like... making myself an expert on all things sexual."

"Yeah, I think you're a little too young to be there yet."

"But I'm tuned into it. Like... I know when two people are looking at each other with sex on their minds, and when they're just... looking."

"If you say so, Dr. Ruth."

"Like how I know Kevin's been giving Joey scary eyes because he thinks you two are together."

"Let him. There would be nothing wrong if I hooked up with Joey."

"Chris, stop ignoring the obvious. He's jealous. And he definitely does have the potential to be scary. So maybe you should clear the air between you."

"It's not my fault that Joey hooked up with a girl with crazy braids!"

"It's your fault that you spend so much time glaring at Kevin that you can't just fuck out your differences."

"It's not like that," Chris said.

"He looks at you like someone who's dying to get with you."

"He does not! He had his chance and he turned me down."

"Maybe he made a mistake--"

Chris couldn't hold back the bitter sound that came pouring out of him. "Of course he did! Of course it was a mistake! Who wouldn't want to get with me?"

"I'm sorry," JC said. "Maybe you could give him a chance to fix it."

"It's not fucking broken. Okay? Leave it."

"You're sort of obsessed with him."

"So this is an intervention. I knew it."

"You look at him like he's the sexiest thing you've ever seen."

Chris laughed again, just a little less bitterly. "You're being a real shit right now, 'C."

"You're always looking at him, but you hardly ever say a word to him."

"What do you want me to say?"

"You're always encouraging the rest of us to be friends with them."

"I can't be friends with him," Chris said.

"Because you want to have sex with him."

"Not going to happen, and if it did, it would be hate sex."

"Okay," JC said.

"Okay?"

"What's wrong with hate sex? I'm not really an expert on hate sex yet, but like... why not? It would probably be hot."

"What's wrong with hate sex is that it's hate sex."

"Get it out of your system," JC said.

"He's not interested."

JC laughed.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh. But you're so wrong."

"Like a monk would know."

"I would."

"He doesn't want to be alone with me."

"Really?"

"Yes, really," Chris said.

"Did he say that?"

"Yes."

"Recently?"

"What?"

"When did he say it? Did you ever give him a chance to change his mind? Did you ever ask why? Or hey..." JC got a scary wild look in his eyes. "Did you ever consider that you could totally have sex with him while you're not alone?"

"You're crazy."

"It's very freeing. You should try it some time."

Chris couldn't deny that there was a certain appeal in that.

"It could ruin everything," Chris said.

"What 'everything'? Your relationship?"

"Yeah."

"Some people would say that a relationship built upon mutual glaring is already ruined. So what's the worst that could happen?"

My heart could be broken, Chris thought--but he was smart enough not to answer. JC would only ask what hate sex had to do with Chris's heart.

(x)

It was quite a while before Chris saw Kevin again in any sort of semi-private capacity. Sure, there were work things, and very public things, and some going to the same clubs. And okay, yes, he did realize that he was staring a lot. But Kevin was still the most compelling asshole that Chris had ever met, so... how could he not stare?

JC probably thought the staring was significant only because he'd deluded himself into thinking he'd once soulbonded through the power of a stare. It was so ridiculous.

Chris didn't want Kevin and his mind games... but JC did have a point. Chris hadn't ever given Kevin another chance. He'd just been passive/aggressive and antagonistic as it suited him, which was sort of playing mind games right back at him.

Why couldn't they have just been friends?

Tonight, they were both at a party at some big wig's place. It wasn't exactly public, though there were a lot of people around. It was pretty obvious that some people were sneaking away for private moments.

Kevin didn't look a thing like Spock tonight. That was a pity. He'd be more approachable if he looked a little nerdier. But then... 

Well, Chris asked himself, how shallow are you? Are you obsessed with him because he's hot? Or are you obsessed with him because he is an enigma? Or just because it drives you crazy that you know he can be all protective and awesome, but he's such a shit to you?

There was a break in the crowd around Kevin for a moment. He had sort of pulled AJ aside and was saying something to him. Chris couldn't tell from AJ's stance if it was something he wanted to hear or if it was like getting lectured by dad.

Maybe he shouldn't interrupt.

AJ looked over then, and caught Chris's eye. "Hey," AJ said, jerking his head in a 'come over here and distract this guy for me' gesture.

"AJ, I'm not--" Kevin stilled as he saw who AJ was speaking to.

"I'll take him off your hands," Chris told AJ. "But you're going to owe me."

"I can handle that," AJ said, as he slipped away towards a couple of very tipsy-looking girls.

"Hey," Chris said to Kevin. Okay, that wasn't brilliant, but he was out of practice at speaking to Kevin.

"Chris," Kevin said. "Are we on speaking terms now?"

"Seems like it."

"I'm honored."

"Shut up," Chris said.

"No, really. I'm honored. Who do I have to thank for this... privilege?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Really?" Kevin asked. Chris suddenly felt like he was the focus of all of Kevin's attention. "Now you have to tell me. That sounds so intriguing."

"It's a really long story, about a crazy seventh-century monk..."

Kevin laughed, and Chris really wanted to be able to hate him for that. Making Kevin laugh still felt like winning at life.

"I never would have anticipated being grateful to an ancient monk," Kevin said.

"Are you? Grateful, I mean?"

"Yes, I think I am."

Chris moved closer, so he wouldn't be over heard.

"He thinks we should have hate sex."

Kevin drew a breath like he was startled, then seemed to hold it for an impossibly long time. 

"Does he?" Kevin eventually said.

"For a former monk, he seems pretty fucking kinky. So yeah. He does."

"Do you?"

"'Do I?'" Chris echoed.

"Do you think we should have hate sex?"

How was this a real conversation?

Chris looked out at the other people in the room, instead of meeting Kevin's eyes. "I guess that depends on how you feel about it."

"I think it might be impossible, seeing as how I don't hate you. But I suppose... If you're into that--"

"You are the worst flirt ever," Chris said.

"Maybe because a flirtation is a little, easy thing and I'm not little and easy."

"No, you're definitely hard--no. That was not a pun. Difficult. You're--"

"I am difficult." 

Kevin touched Chris's hand. Just a fleeting touch, like a question. 'Would this be okay?'

"I'm not letting you drag me into an alley," Chris said.

"Good."

"But we can go somewhere else," Chris said.

"Trust me to lead the way?"

"Not really, because you're some kind of a freak who doesn't want me to trust you."

Kevin smiled, like for real, genuinely smiled just for Chris.

"Fuck you and your smiling face," Chris muttered.

"What?"

"That smile is a heart-breaker, buddy."

"I'm sorry. I don't want to--"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. That's why you keep it under wraps, like a secret weapon."

Kevin touched his hand again. "Can I?"

"Lead the way, heart-breaker."

They didn't hold hands or anything. They couldn't get away with it in this sort of crowd. Kevin seemed to more or less know where he was going. They slipped up the stairs, and into a much more private area of the house. There were people still around partying in some of the rooms, but it was less of a crush.

Kevin paused in front of several different doors, listening. Chris really did have to wonder how good his hearing was. How could he make out anything over the general, all around noise?

He smiled again as he listened at one particular door. "Let's be very quiet," he said. "And if they see us, just follow my lead."

"What are we doing exactly?" Chris said.

"Not hate sex."

"Maybe a little hate sex?" Chris asked.

"No. Maybe you can do a little 'I'm holding a grudge against you' kissing, and I'll do a little 'please hold something else against me' kissing..."

"You are the strangest person I know," Chris said. "And I get sex advice from a monk."

"Shh..." Kevin winked at him and slowly opened the door.

The only light inside the room was from a movie playing on a television. Kevin took his arm and pulled him close, against the wall by the door. Chris waited for someone to see them and get angry--or excited--depending on whether they were interrupting adults or teenagers. But it seemed like maybe they were alone in the room.

He raised his eyebrows, trying to communicate with Kevin. 'Well? What now?'

Kevin shook his head and made a gesture for keeping quiet again.

This was so weird and Chris was ready for kissing or maybe just calling this off, but then he began to hear noises under the sounds of the movie that was playing a little too loudly. There was definitely a couple making out on that couch.

Kevin pressed in against him, pinning him to the wall, but for a moment, Chris was still completely focused on those noises from the couch. They seemed... they both seemed feminine... 

Oh my god, Howie would die right now, Chris thought. Because, of course, they all knew about Lou's creepy and poorly-hidden porn stash and about Howie's reaction to it. Then Kevin touched his face, playing with one of Chris's braids that had escaped from being tied back. And suddenly Chris and his body both got with the program. This was so much better than Lou's questionable lesbian porn.

He tried to pull Kevin down to kiss him. To hate-kiss him out of his system if he had to. But as soon as he started to pull him down, Kevin picked him up instead. He was freakishly strong, but that was hot. And, oh my god, he was finally getting to climb him like a tree. A quiet, kinky ninja tree. Or something like that.

Kevin's kisses were surprisingly gentle. Chris was pinned between the wall and the strength of him, so it should have been hard and deep and nasty. But Kevin kissed like Chris's lips were his new most favorite thing in the world, and he'd be happy with just that, no tongues, nothing deeper. And it was really, really nice. Like Chris would love to wake up to slow hours of kisses like that on lazy weekend mornings. He'd love soft kisses like that pressed to his fingers--and on his cock, of course--if only they'd end with just a little more suction, a little more pressure, a bit more wet and biting. Yes.

He pressed for more, sucking at Kevin's bottom lip, curling his fingers tight in Kevin's hair, hoping that was something Kevin would like and he wasn't being one of those obnoxious hair-pulling bastards everyone liked to complain about. Kevin didn't seem to mind. His kisses didn't get much harder, but he began to grind against Chris and that felt fantastic, god yeah. That was... yeah, he wanted to turn around, to have Kevin grind up against his ass like that. 

If he did that, the kissing would stop, though... But he could have Kevin's hand on his cock then... Oh, but this was good just like this.

One of the women--girls?--on the couch began crying out more loudly. Oh, this was so dirty, so crazy. If that girl had a screaming orgasm, he was going to come in his pants embarrassingly quickly.

Kevin pulled back slightly and sort of grinned at him like 'can you believe this?' and Chris shrugged like 'what can I say? Our life is crazy.'

Kevin maybe couldn't read Chris's language of shrugs, though, because he seemed to take that as an invitation to lower Chris to the floor and put a hand down Chris's pants. Chris was okay with that.

So, the first time Kevin Richardson made Chris come, it was a semi-voyeuristic hand job with Chris silently gasping while Kevin loomed over him.

(x)

The first time Chris made Kevin come was in the back of a coatroom. They'd started out with Kevin pressing Chris up against a wall yet again--Kevin seemed to really have a thing about Chris and walls--until Chris had gone to his knees to suck Kevin off. 

It had been niggling at Chris a bit, how Kevin was always so very controlled and how Kevin would focus completely on getting Chris off and then just disappear. It didn't sit right with him. If they were building a relationship based upon mutual hand jobs, the orgasms should be more... mutual. So, Chris had decided it was time to up his game.

With Chris on his knees, Kevin really loomed over him, and that was sort of hot all in itself. Chris sort of adored his mighty Sequoia, and yeah, that probably meant he had a bit of a size kink thing going on, but in the privacy of his own head, Chris was totally okay with that. The taste of him was even hotter than the size kink thing. And the look of anguish on Kevin's face, when Chris had to back off for a moment before he choked--he wasn't very practiced at this yet. That look of 'oh god, don't let him stop now' was the hottest thing ever, until Kevin actually bit his own arm to keep from being too noisy when he came. That was the best.

Chris suspected that Joey had actually walked in on them that time. But nothing was ever said, so... no harm, no foul, right?

(Actually, JC and Joey walked in on them, and Joey had to drag JC back out again.

"I don't think they'd mind," JC complained.

"Bro code says 'no.'"

"Well then, shouldn't the 'bro code' say 'no accidental exhibitionism if you'd be upset by an accidental voyeur'?"

"What?" Joey said. "It doesn't work like that."

"You're making this up."

"Bro code says, if you walk in on your pal getting a blow job, it's okay to watch. Walk in on your bro giving the blowie, though... you didn't see a thing until your bro actually lets you know he likes doing that sort of thing."

"That's not right," JC said.

"What would you do it that was Lance instead of Chris?"

"Hmm... That's different. Chris doesn't have the same internalized--"

"Just follow the code, JC.")

 

(1998)

 

Maybe if they'd been less busy--if their life wasn't such a roller coaster ride--Chris would have been troubled over their relationship.

Kevin wasn't his boyfriend. He wasn't even Chris's friend, not in the way Chris had once hoped for, though he was very supportive. For a rival, he was really freakishly supportive and secretly awesome. Once he'd gotten over his jealous stage, Chris would have happily handed out thank-you blow jobs for what Kevin had done for Lance alone. But then, they weren't quite fuck buddies either.

If their life was a little less crazy, maybe Chris would have angsted over how unusual their sex life was. What did it mean when a guy never wanted to be alone with you, but couldn't wait to get his hand in your pants while kissing you like you were something precious? 

Chris suspected that it went a little beyond kinkiness. Maybe it was a fetish. Maybe Kevin couldn't get off without a little exhibitionism involved. If that was the case, he'd certainly picked the right lifestyle for himself.

If it was a fetish, it seemed like a harmless one, and Chris thought maybe all Kevin really needed was a little encouragement. He needed to know that he was allowed to state his sexual needs plainly. If he'd done that when they'd first met, well... Kevin didn't need to play weird mind games to get Chris to accept his unusual needs.

Chris didn't spend a lot of time analyzing their relationship, though. It worked. It was sexy. He always had a sense of anticipation whenever he knew he'd be seeing Kevin in some capacity. Would this be one of the times they were simply colleagues? Where would they end up this time? Would they try to get off quickly to avoid discovery? Or would it be one of the times that was drawn out in endless minutes of building sensation with the ever-increasing thrill of imminent discovery?

Chris thrived on it. It was exciting at a time when only the very, extremely strange stuff could catch his attention. Everything else was just a dull roar of "normal" craziness. 

If Chris had wanted to maintain a normal romantic relationship over the past few years, he would have been hard pressed to do so. Their relationship built upon semi-public mutual hand jobs flourished in an environment where anything else would have withered away.

Chris did have a few doubts when rumors of Kevin's girlfriend first started going around. Was Kevin going to stop seeking Chris out? Was it a real relationship? Was it just for appearances? How could Kevin possibly have the time for a real relationship? He figured that he wasn't in a competition with Kevin's girlfriend until Kevin acted like it was a competition. And then... well. Chris would bow out graciously. He wasn't going to be all 'the occasional hand jobs you get from me are far more important than your chance to nurture a healthy, adult romantic relationship.'

She was pretty hot, too. Chris liked the combination of blonde hair and dark eyes. She was so much more attractive than Chris was. Chris wouldn't blame Kevin for choosing her. And sometimes, she had a certain look on her face that gave Chris the heebie-jeebies. There was a touch of the predator about her. Chris wouldn't be surprised to discover that she had a mouth full of sharp, sharp teeth. So, yeah. Chris was maybe a little delusional about that, but she fit Kevin well that way. They could be super scary together if they wanted to.

The odd thing was that the more Kristin was around, the less Kevin resembled that uptight, psycho creeper that he'd once been. He'd say, 'well, getting laid twice as much really relaxes a guy' but Kevin wasn't just more friendly and open with Chris. He was also increasingly passionate. Chris didn't understand it, but he wasn't complaining.

By the time they were all in the middle of their lawsuits with Lou, Chris was fucking grateful for Kristin. Kevin was being so protective and supportive of all of them, that he deserved as much support as he would accept in return. Chris tried his best, but he was glad someone else had Kevin's back when he couldn't be there.

(x)

One night, they were making out in Howie's room, which should have been weird, but by this point all of the Boys knew that Kevin and Chris had something going on, even if they didn't want to know any details.

They hadn't done anything in front of Howie. They'd just cuddled a bit on the couch. Chris loved to lean into Kevin while watching TV, and he couldn't help it. It was just so comfortable to rest his hand in Kevin's lap. 

Howie had rolled his eyes and made a big to-do out of announcing that his whole body ached and he needed a long bath to make it better. This was as close to utter privacy as he'd ever had with Kevin. Of course Chris took advantage.

And then they got a little carried away. They'd never been naked with each other. They'd never even got their pants all of the way off, but somehow Chris lost his pants this time. He was humping against the couch, nearly crying because holy fuck, it felt so good. How could--oh god, Kevin was kissing and licking and sucking at Chris's soulmark. Chris's ass had never had it so good.

"I really like it," Kevin said and licked at the mark again. "It suits you."

"Mmm," Chris said, very coherently.

"It fits your attitude."

"Mmm hmm," Chris agreed, because he was a master at words.

"I'd like to put on some lipstick. See what you would look like with a matching mark over here." Kevin stroked Chris's other cheek. "Or maybe..." 

Kevin licked in between, and Chris maybe wailed just a bit.

"Shh..." Kevin said. His breath tickled over Chris's hole, and Chris had to whine, though he tried to be quieter. "I know you can be quiet, baby. Don't want Howie to kick us out now, do you?"

Chris shook his head wildly.

"That's good." Kevin licked him again, and then pressed a finger just a little above there. It felt like he was rubbing against Chris's tail bone. Even that felt crazy good. "Is this okay?"

"Fuck, yes."

"I should have gotten a towel. Can't have you messing up the couch."

Seriously. Fuck the couch. Chris did not care.

Kevin pulled off his shirt and tossed it towards where Chris's hands were trying to tear holes in the cushions. 

"Get that under you."

Okay, the thought of humping into Kevin's cast-off laundry did really wonderful things for Chris. He might not have any fetishes of his own, but he couldn't deny being a little twisted and dirty.

After the rimming left Chris boneless and blissed out, Kevin draped himself over him like a big heavy security blanket. Kevin's pants were still on, but that was only a minor flaw. Kevin ground against him, it was so close to fucking, it was so perfect just exactly how it was.

Chris was glad Kevin couldn't see his face, because he was afraid of what his eyes might give away right now.

"God," Kevin groaned quietly. "God... Baby, do you ever want to fuck?"

Chris's heart stuttered. "All the time, Kevin."

"I mean... do you ever... would you--"

"Mmm, I've got you almost speechless. One point to me."

Kevin nipped at Chris's ear, then immediately began to nuzzle at it like he had to make sure it didn't hurt.

"I really want to fuck you," Kevin said, like it was a confession.

"Good," Chris said. "I want that like all the time, Kevin."

"God, yeah..."

Kevin didn't say anything else until long after he came.

"Sorry. I must be getting heavy." He rolled off of Chris, then offered him a hand up. Chris squirmed a bit, and then offered him the dirty shirt instead.

"Nice," Kevin said.

"I still haven't gotten you out of your pants," Chris said. "It's a little known fact that I can't be nice to you until that happens."

Kevin snorted at that.

"Right. How did I forget that rule of Kirkpatrickness?"

"Beats me," Chris said. "Maybe you're getting forgetful in your old age."

Kevin smiled at that. "That must be it."

He bent low to give Chris a quick kiss, then ruffled a hand through Chris's braids. "Get your pants on before Howie gets back."

"Howie isn't going to get out of that bath until he hears us leave."

"Howard!" Kevin called. "It's not good for your skin to be pruney for so long!"

"You're such a shit."

"I like to think of it as tough love."

"Speaking of that..."

"Yeah?"

"Are we ever going to--" Chris gestured, sort of a 'be alone together/get your pants off/fuck like bunnies' gesture.

"Do the Macarena?" Kevin asked.

"More like the Hokey Pokey."

"Ah..."

Chris decided to be a little braver. He stood up and looked Kevin in the eyes.

"Kevin," he said. "If you haven't noticed, I like you." Then he looked away, so he wouldn't come across as confrontational for the next part. "I sort of really like you. So... if you can't get it up without an audience or something--"

"That's--"

"--or something like that, then I'm not going to be judgmental. Let's work something out."

"It's not quite like that."

"Sure," Chris said. "What's it like then?"

"I..." Kevin shifted from foot to foot. A couple years ago, he would have pulled a disappearing act by this point. "Would you consider a threesome? With Kristin and me?"

That wasn't easy to answer. A threesome with Kevin and practically anyone else halfway attractive in the world? Hell, yes. But Kristin was probably sticking around. She was important to Kevin emotionally. And she was scary.

"She scares me a little," Chris said.

"I thought you liked that."

"Well, I like that quality in you. But..."

"I'll understand if you say 'no.'"

Yeah, but would Chris ever get everything that he wished for if he said 'no'?

"Could you maybe... the both of you invite me over sometime? And we can play it by ear?"

"Yeah, I'd like that," Kevin said.

"Oh my god," Howie said. "We'd love that. On behalf of all of the Backstreet Boys, I'd like to say, 'please take your strange sex games to your own home.'"

"The Backstreet Boys can kiss my ass," Chris said, and he shook his kiss-marked bare ass in Howie's general direction.

"I did ask him to put on his pants," Kevin told Howie.

"I know." Howie sighed.

(x)

Chris went on a couple of mid-day 'not exactly dates' with Kevin and Kristin. With Chris's trademark braids and Kevin's... well, pretty much everything, it was impossible to go out completely incognito. But there were still a few places where they weren't too interesting to those around them. 

(Kevin had been growing his hair out, and he looked ten times more gorgeous with every additional inch of hair. Since Kevin had started at the level of "really hot", he was now rapidly approaching supernova levels of hotness. Chris wanted him to keep it long always. He loved petting it and playing with it. And he loved that Kevin never complained about Chris pulling it in the heat of the moment.)

It was weird, seeing Kevin and Kristin together like that. Kevin held himself differently around her. He was more relaxed than Chris had ever seen him, except for post-orgasm languidness. He touched her a lot and they were obviously very comfortable in each others' space. But Chris didn't sense any chemistry between them. Maybe he needed to bring JC's sex-sensing radar along on one of these outings.

Actually, there was something very familiar about how they touched each other. Chris would sit back and watch them in fascination, trying to pinpoint what it was, and Kristin would try to get him to join their conversation. She'd touch Chris's arm or lean close to let him in on some secret, and that felt far more sexual than what he was seeing between the two of them.

Oh, he got it. They touched like family.

Kevin didn't touch her any differently than how he touched Brian and the other Boys. It was perhaps a great deal more physical affection than the average guy would ever show to anyone but his girl. But it wasn't sexual.

It didn't make sense.

The night he came over to "play it by ear," Chris still wasn't sure how he felt about it. He wouldn't have predicted it, but the way that Kristin seemed more interested in him than in Kevin... it was a bit of a turn off. And wasn't that backwards?

Kevin answered the door wearing a short robe. Chris had to stop and stare. Kevin had lots and lots of leg showing and a nice long V of chest. It was more than Chris ever got to see in any sort of semi-private setting. Chris's hands knew the shape of Kevin's thighs very well, but it was crazy how special it felt to be allowed to see them.

Chris reached out and caught the hem of that short robe. It was a shifting reddish/purplish color and silky between his fingers.

"Nice," Chris said.

"Thank you." Kevin kissed his cheek in greeting. "We've got the hot tub going. I hope you don't mind."

"Can't say no to a hot tub," Chris said. "But I didn't bring my shorts--"

Kevin shot him a 'are you stupid?' look.

"--And this is a clothing-optional kind of night."

"If you don't mind," Kevin said.

"I could always wear your pretty robe thing."

"Okay."

"Hmm?"

Kevin locked the door behind them, then began to untie the robe's belt.

"Really?" Chris said. His voice came out in a squeak.

"Really."

Kevin shrugged out of the robe and held it out to him. Chris couldn't take his eyes off him. When did this beautiful, beautiful man get so comfortable in his own skin? Chest and shoulders, and abs and beautiful cock, yes, and those strong thighs, and that beautiful, easy smile on his face: he was a feast for Chris's eyes. This couldn't possibly be the man who'd glared at him for two long years.

"What's gotten in to you, baby?"

Kevin's smile widened. "Nothing yet."

He tossed the robe to Chris and turned to lead the way through the house.

Gorgeous back. Gorgeous ass. And not a mark any where to be seen, which was impossible. But then half of them had to wear concealer on their marks, just for privacy and discouraging rabid fans. Kevin's mark had to be somewhere where he had to regularly apply makeup to it. Or he was like JC, and was standing on his mark.

Kevin stopped when he realized that Chris wasn't following. "Chris?"

"Coming," Chris said.

Kevin just laughed.

Kristin was up to her shoulders in water when they got to the hot tub. She saluted him with a wine glass. "Chris, we have wine. We have lots of wine."

"Chris is feeling a little shy," Kevin told her.

"That's fine," she said. "That's what the wine is for."

Kevin helped peel Chris out of his clothes. It was nice, but not as sexy as it should have been. Kevin was naked! It should be the sexiest thing in the world.

It wasn't.

Kevin slipped the robe around Chris, and Chris felt small and fragile. 

"This doesn't feel spontaneous," Chris told him quietly. "Maybe it only works between us when it's all spontaneous and unpredictable."

Kevin tied the belt around Chris's waist. They were standing such that Kevin was blocking Kristin's line of sight. Chris liked that. He felt sheltered, though that was stupid.

"I'm not. I'm not shy," Chris said. "This isn't... I shouldn't feel like this."

Kevin wrapped him in a hug. "That's okay, baby. I like you even when you're not being my favorite little hedgehog."

"I'm not a hedgehog." 

"My prickly pear."

"I'm not a plant."

"My thorny devil."

"No," Chris said.

"Do you even know what a thorny devil is?"

"Doesn't matter."

"It's an Australian lizard. Sort of cute. It eats ants and--"

"No."

"You could turn it into a horny devil joke," Kevin said.

"No."

"My spiky little sea urchin?"

"I hate you," Chris said.

"I'm crazy about you."

"Yeah?"

"Yes, Chris."

"Even if I don't want to have sex with your girlfriend?"

"Yes, Chris. I'm sorry. I--"

"You don't have to have sex with me," Kristin said. "I'd be just as happy if we all sat here and told embarrassing stories about Kevin."

"Kristin--" Kevin said.

"Or we could talk about how cute he is!"

"I'm sorry," Chris said. "I feel like I'm letting mankind down. Well. All somewhat-hetero mankind down."

"Are you somewhat-hetero?" Kristin asked.

"Yes," Chris said. "I am. And you're pretty hot, so... no offense meant. But like... you guys are so not into each other. I feel like I'm... drowning. Drowning in the lack of enthusiastic consent. Which is sort of backwards, because you drown in lots of something--"

"Drowning is as much about the lack of oxygen as the abundance of water," Kristin said.

"Makes you want to dive right into a hot tub, doesn't it?" Chris said.

"Mmm, maybe not." Kristin stood up, and the mark on her left breast was plainly visible. Chris thought it looked like a completed mark: two crescent moons, one waxing and one waning, with the crescent tips touching each other, so it almost looked like they were bracketing a 'full moon' of bare, unmarked skin.

"Are you... Are you soulmates?" Chris asked, looking back at Kevin and wondering again where his mark was.

"No," Kristin said. "My mate is dead."

"I'm sorry--"

"Don't be. He lived a long and fulfilling life. We had--I have no regrets." She refilled her wine glass, than looked at the both of them. "Should I stay or should I go?"

"Go for a bit?" Kevin said.

"Okay." 

She strode from the room, and it was a wonderful show. Once she was gone, he exchanged a look with Kevin, and they both smiled.

"Dude," Chris said.

"I know."

"I mean, you have a lovely one, too. But we just kicked the best butt out of the room. Er... the patio."

"Indeed."

"We're foolish, foolish men."

"We are." Kevin got into the tub and went for one of the lowest seats. Chris thought maybe he was trying to hide himself. "I'm sorry," Kevin said. "I thought... I thought it would be a perk for the two of you."

"A perk. What. Like a chance at a threesome, that's the perk?"

"Yes."

Chris fiddled with the edge of the robe. He didn't want to take it off, because it was Kevin's and Kevin had wrapped him up in it so sweetly. But he probably shouldn't get it wet. It was some fancy fabric. But he needed to get in there and hold Kevin close, to try to protect him from whatever was going through his head. Like Kevin tried to protect them all.

Fuck it.

He slipped into the water, robe and all, and nudged Kevin out of the way until he could wrap himself around Kevin's back and hold Kevin's head and shoulders a little more out of the water.

"Just lean on me," he instructed, and wiped some of the clinging wet hair from Kevin's brow as he did so. That was nice, being a pillow for him.

"Kevin," he said. "I don't understand your relationship with her, but. Why would any one need a perk in order to be in a relationship with you?"

Kevin didn't answer.

"I hope I've never made you feel like that was necessary."

Kevin shook his head.

"Good. 'Cause that would be like... like... Okay. I walk into a dealership to buy a car. And they say, 'Chris Kirkpatrick! Today's your lucky day! We'll give you this Ferrari for free!' And I like the Ferrari, I really do. It's sleek and dark and sexy. But like, while I'm talking to the guys, I want a mint or a piece of gum or something, but they don't give me that. So I refuse the free Ferrari because they won't give me a stick of gum with it. Get what I'm saying?"

"You have such a vivid imagination."

"You're the Ferrari, Kevin!"

"Yes, I did make that connection."

"You are the perk. I'm not looking for something else."

Kevin smiled, closed his eyes, and let himself rest fully against Chris. It was very nice. Chris loved what little he could see of Kevin's body through the churning water. He loved feeling Kevin against him like this. It felt intimate, not just being alone with him, but being allowed to take the more protective role. He hadn't anticipated being allowed that.

"Kevin?"

"Hmm?"

"Were you thinking that you wanted fuck me? Or did you want me to--"

"Yes," Kevin said. "Both. Either. Whichever appeals to you."

"You're not picky?"

"I'm very picky, but not about that."

"Well... You know I have a bit of a size kink thing going on, and you going all dominant and toppy on me really plays into that."

"Yes, I noticed."

"But I have a confession to make."

"Oh dear," Kevin said. "A terrible confession?"

"We're talking something hidden deep within the vaults of the Chris Kirkpatrick Spank Bank."

"No. You cannot call it that."

"It's my bank, I'll call it what I want to."

"Ugh." Kevin shuddered. "What is this confession?"

"One of my favorite fantasies involves you being all wet like this... and it always makes me want to deflower you."

"I'm afraid I've lost all of my flowers already," Kevin said.

"I'm sure you have, baby. But you could role play with me."

"I am a bit of a thespian."

Chris chuckled. "Yes, you are."

"You'll have to tell me more about this role. Convince me that I must absolutely play this part."

"Well. As you may have guessed, it's inspired by your video for 'Tearin' Up My Heart.'"

"Ugh. I hate that video."

"It's--"

"It's awful. I hated everything about it. I could never figure out why Lou insisted that it should be our song. And that arrangement--awful. Too slow. A funeral dirge would have been better."

"Wow. I didn't realize you had such strong feelings about it."

"Why did they give it to us? It was catchy the way you guys sang it. Much more up-tempo, and then we wouldn't have had to listen to Justin bitching about us stealing 'your' songs. And AJ and Nick wouldn't have gone on for weeks drawing hideous 'my heart has been torn up' tattoo concepts."

Chris laughed. "Damn. I hate that I missed that part."

"It was awful. It was all awful."

"I have a special fondness for the worst of your music videos, though."

"Of course you do. That's part of your job as our rivals."

"We're not rivals."

Kevin turned to give him a quick kiss. "You're so cute when you keep insisting on being wrong like that."

"We're not."

Kevin kissed him again. "Okay. Tell me more. What was at all redeeming in that video?"

"Well, it was so very pointless and completely unrelated to the song. So let's ignore all that."

"Agreed."

"So there you guys are, randomly hanging out together on some steps. Like I don't even know. Maybe it was a bit like 'Hey, we're the cool high-school kids, and oh, not him. He's an enormous dork and we're not sure how he got here.'"

"That was me," Kevin said.

"Oh yes, that was you. I don't know how they kept making you so ugly. They must have had super powers."

"It was supposed to make me look younger."

"It made you look like the biggest dweeb who ever dweebed. It was so, so bad."

"Especially when I was wearing the sunglasses."

"Exactly! When you took them off, though, there was this startling realization of 'Whoa! The dork has gorgeous eyes.'"

"Have you had sexy librarian fantasies about me, too?"

"I'm afraid that's classified information, above your clearance level."

"I'll take that as a 'yes.'"

"You do have gorgeous eyes," Chris said.

"The better to glare at you with."

"Mmm, yeah."

"Tell me more about this dork with the eyes."

"Okay. So you're there, and it's like why are the cool kids letting that guy hang out with them? And then, inexplicably, you're all wet. Bam! It's a sudden reversal."

"A reversal?"

"Yeah, because you push back your wet hair and become a sex god."

Kevin laughed.

"I'm serious. You looked like you were made to just stand in water and exude sex from your pores."

"That sounds like I'm a sponge."

"Well... I'm sure plenty of people saw that video and wished you would rub all over them."

"You're ridiculous."

"Plus you were suddenly the only good thing in that video. Poor Brian just looked cold. And AJ looked... I don't know. Either he was mad or he stubbed his toe. And Nick and Howie both made me extremely uncomfortable."

"Nick looked like a boy who was being sexualized when he was way too young. Sexualized before he'd grown into being a healthy, normal, sexual creature in his own due time."

"Yes. And that's why you hate that video so much."

Kevin nodded.

"And Howie looked like the body double of a porn star, and that should have been the sexiest thing in the video--"

"But it wasn't. It was creepy," Kevin said.

"It was," Chris agreed. "He was completely objectified, while you were this real, gorgeous guy who just really wanted a different pair of pants."

"And you fantasized about that?"

"I fantasized about that sexy dweeb. Like. We're two dweebs together in school. And one day all the cool kids are away doing something else that they think we're not good enough for. We go to the pool together. And no one else is there 'cause they're 'too cool for the pool.' 

"And then there's a moment in the pool, when you flip back your wet hair, and I'm struck by how incredible you are. And I'm suddenly this horny teen all wanting to try things with my friend. And then you look over at me, and this surprised look goes over your face, and you know what I'm thinking and you're flattered, and you can't believe I want you like that... that anyone would want you like that.

"And then we're kissing, awkward teenage kisses. The kind when you're so excited and so new at it, kissing alone could make you come. But since it's a fantasy, we have more stamina than that. So things move to touching each other through our shorts, and we get more and more excited."

God, Chris was so hard just talking about it, and Kevin had turned completely around. He was straddling Chris's lap now and staring at him like he was amazing.

"And somehow, we're against the side of the pool, and you turn around and let me touch your ass, and we end up--God, I know it's sappy and ridiculous."

"You have to tell me the rest, Chris." Kevin had settled so that Chris's hard on was snugged up tight between Kevin's cheeks. "What happens next?"

"Oh, god," Chris said. "We lose... we lose our virginity to each other. And I'm so, so excited to be inside you. And it's more than I ever imagined, but the most amazing thing, I'm thinking while I'm about to come inside of you. The most amazing thing is that it's you, my friend, and I know that now we'll never ever forget each other no matter what. Because who forgets their very first time?"

Kevin kissed him hard then, and Chris was glad for it. Glad that he couldn't say anything more. He hadn't intended to reveal so much about that fantasy. Not the mushy, needy stuff.

Fucking Kevin in the hot tub was a bit different than his fantasy. Sex in water might be more sexy than "normal" sex. But safe sex in water was somewhat more awkward than "normal" safe sex.

And Chris hadn't very well judged what his emotional response to this would be. It felt a lot more significant than simply advancing their not-quite fuck buddies status to another level. He was very glad for the water, because there was a chance that no one else would know that he had cried. They were holding each other now. Chris was stroking Kevin's hair, partly because they both enjoyed that, but mostly so Chris didn't have to meet Kevin's eyes. Oh, he thought, hooking a lock of hair around Kevin's ear. Oh, heart-breaker, he thought, I even love your stupid, not at all Vulcan, ears.

Kristin came back out then, more modestly attired in a bikini. "Is everything okay out here?"

"Yes," Kevin said. "Yes, it's--Sorry. I should--" He pressed a kiss to Chris's forehead, then climbed out of the tub. "I'm sorry, hon. Did you need something?"

As Chris watched him walk away, he gave voice to a fleeting, insignificant thought. "What kind of makeup do you use, Kevin?"

Kevin stopped and looked at him, genuinely confused.

"What?"

"I still can't see your soulmark. None of the makeup my guys use could last through such a long soak in a hot tub."

Kevin paled. He looked absolutely stricken.

"Oh," Kristin said. "Um... maybe..."

"I don't have a soulmark," Kevin said.

"Everybody has a soulmark," Chris said. "Even albinos do. Have you seen those pictures? They're just a more opaque shade of white."

"I don't have a soulmark," Kevin said. "Because I don't have a soul."

What.

"Kevin." Chris scrambled out of the tub. "Kevin, that's not even funny."

"No, it's not."

"Why would you--?" 

Kristin held Chris back when he reached out for Kevin. He tried to pull away from her, but she was surprisingly strong.

"Why would you say something like that? Kevin, you're not--"

"Because it hurts," Kevin said. "It's horrible. It's horrible to know that you're a... a soulless monster. It hurts. And it hurts to desperately love a man who could at any time meet his actual soulmate. To know that without a soul of my own, there's nothing I could possibly offer him to keep him with me then, and I'll be forgotten."

"Kevin, please. Don't talk about yourself like that. Please--" He tried to go to Kevin again, but Kristin still held him in place. "Let go of me!" he snapped at her.

And just like the old days, Kevin took that moment to disappear.

"What the fuck!"

Kristin finally let go of him, and he whirled around at her. "What the fuck was that?"

"I'm sorry," she said. "He's emotionally compromised at the moment."

"One of us has to go to him."

"No." 

"I don't know what's going through that head of his, but I can't let him think he's some sort of monster."

"You're very smart, so--" Kristin said.

"Fuck you."

"He needs some time to think."

"I think you've let him brood enough already!"

"Chris," she said very seriously. "You need to give him a little time to himself. I think this evening hit you both harder than you expected. He's upset right now."

"I know! So let's--"

"The last thing that Kevin wants is for you to be around him when he's this off-kilter."

"'Off-kilter'? He thinks he's a soulless monster!"

"He said he loves you. He wants to protect you."

"I can protect myself. Who's protecting him right now? Who's telling him that he's not a monster? What the fuck. Why would you let him think that?"

"He has very good hearing, so I think you're telling him that he's not a monster."

"I thought he had a fetish, you know? I didn't know he was hating himself. I'm not down with that. Do you hear me, Kevin? Stop thinking that shit. Nothing soulless would care about us the way you do."

Kristin smiled. "I've told him much the same thing."

"Kevin, I know I crack jokes that denigrate therapy. But you know I was into psychology, right? Therapy can be very helpful. Life-changing even. And we would all support you. None of us think you're a monster."

"You are so adorable right now," Kristin said.

"I'm not so sure about your girlfriend, though. She's still scary."

Kristin smiled one of her super creepy smiles. Chris edged away from her.

"Are you listening to me, Kevin? Because she's being extra scary right now. I might need therapy to help me get over it. We could go together. You and me."

"I am listening to you," Kevin said from over by the French windows that opened up onto the yard. 

"Please, baby. Will you think about it? It tears me up, knowing you feel that way about yourself. And like... geez. Don't you ever worry about me choosing a soulmate over you. Nsync would tell you that I've been obsessed with you from day one. And... and... maybe my soulmark is on my butt because that's all I ever plan to do about my soulmate. Sit around on my ass and ignore 'em. So, will you please--"

"I'm a vampire," Kevin said.

What.

Chris blinked. His brain completely failed him.

"I'm a vampire," Kevin said again. "So therapy isn't going to change my mind. I'll always be a monster."

"Bull shit," Chris said. "Where does it say that vampires can't benefit from therapy just like the rest of us?"

"That won't change anything."

"I don't believe that," Chris said.

"That I'm a vampire? I could show--"

"No, no." There were limits to Chris's bravery, and right now concern for Kevin was the only thing saving him from a major freak out. "If you like... fang out right now, I'll probably piss myself."

"Totally adorable." Kristin said. She was way weirder than Kevin who may or may not be a vampire. 

"Look, Kevin. If you're a vampire, then you're a vampire with self-esteem issues. And I know self-esteem issues. They're nasty and pervasive, but you don't have to let them win. We could work on that together."

Kevin slowly lifted his hand, as though he was trying to keep from spooking Chris, and touched Chris's neck. It reminded Chris of their early days. Chris realized that no matter what Kevin was, no matter how scary everyone agreed Kevin could be, he himself had never really been scared of him. Whatever else he was, Kevin was a good man who'd been torturing himself for years with some sort of self-hatred.

That needed to stop, because he didn't want to lose Kevin. If Kevin always thought of himself as a monster, losing him would be inevitable. Kevin would let himself slip away. He'd probably say it was for Chris's own good.

"If you don't want to try a therapist right away," Chris said. "Maybe you could talk to a friend of mine, Brother Hilary."

"Brother Hilary."

"Yes. He has quite a few theories on the eternity of the soul. And also of the uniqueness of every soul. He will probably call you a variable and talk your ear off about how soulmarks--or the lack thereof--do not accurately reflect the existence of the eternal soul. Because cats don't have soulmarks, and he won't for a minute believe that they don't have souls."

"You have weird friends," Kristin said.

"He's also the guy who convinced me that I needed to man up and ask Kevin to have sex with me."

"The hate-sex monk?" Kevin asked.

"Yes."

"You do really have weird friends," Kevin said.

"You think that's weird?" Chris said. "That's nothing. I'm in love with a vampire. How's that for weird?"

(x)

(Chris believes that the story should end here. He likes how it shows him at his brave-and-funny best. 

And he doesn't want anyone to know just how long he had to struggle with what it meant that there were vampires--and other strange things--and that he loved one. The struggle went on for quite a while longer than Kevin thinks it did, and Chris never wants Kevin to learn otherwise. He's okay with it now, and that's all that matters.

Chris first realized that he would someday be okay with it in 2000, when Kevin and Kristin got married.

He knew he would be okay, because what freaked him out about the wedding wasn't that his vampire boyfriend was marrying his strange, fox-spirit girlfriend who wasn't sexually attracted to non-humans, but who stuck around because Kevin was like family and because her main supernatural power was the containment of evil forces, which helped Kevin to relax and become a much less uptight and self-hating vampire. 

What freaked him out was that Brian was a descendant of Kevin's through his father's side of the family and a descendant of Kristin's through his mother's side. So Brian was like their great, great, great, something grandkid. Kind of. And it took months for Chris to be able to look at Brian without thinking, "Whoa, I'm banging your Grandma and Grandpa!")

(x)

(Many things happened, and time passed by.

Justin had a mental breakdown and had to leave Nsync. He got better eventually, but let's just say that sometimes, learning who your soulmate is can really mess with your head.

Kevin and Kristin had to leave for awhile to deal with a nasty little vampire turf war. The eight remaining members of the Backstreet Boys and Nsync really missed Kevin, but they banded together for three wildly successful BSBSYNC tours and had a grand time. 

Kevin returned eventually and gave them a very hard time over a certain video of theirs. "What the hell were you thinking? Vampire-hunter vampires?"

"Did you notice," Chris asked, "how tall, dark and handsome that vampire chick was? Dude. They emasculated you and stabbed you through the heart in that video!"

"I had very strong feelings," Nick said. "Very strong feelings about Kevin then. My therapist and I both thought I should work them out artistically."

"Mmm, hmm," AJ said. "And now Nick is working on some very strong feelings that he has about zombies."

"What a coincidence!" Joey said. "I have very strong feelings about zombies, too.")

 

(2012)

 

Chris very nearly died in a tragic paintball accident while visiting Kentucky with the Boys. 

They were running through the woods, having a blast, and yes, Chris knew there was a cliff. But he wasn't worried about it. He'd be careful. Except maybe he'd been a bit closer to the cliff edge than he'd thought. He was running, turning this way and that, looking for the other guys, when something moving at the edge of his vision startled him. And then he was falling.

He woke up feeling a bit sore and stupid, and just a little too old to be running around playing like that. He opened his eyes to see Kevin's concerned face leaning over him.

"Hey, gorgeous," Chris said.

"Hey, baby," Kevin said. "You scared me."

"I'm sorry. Did you get the license plate of the squirrel that ran me over?"

Kevin smiled a little at that, but didn't laugh.

"I'm sorry, too, baby."

Chris reached up and patted Kevin's cheek. "It'll be okay. The cops will catch that squirrel next time."

"Do you remember what you said about me turning you?"

"Hmm? Oh. Yeah, I'm sorry I never really got back to you with a final answer on that. It's a hard decision."

"Yes, but you did say that I had blanket permission to do it if you were 'in perilous danger of dying a humiliating and/or very embarrassing death.'"

Oh. 

Oh.

Chris cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry, Kevin. That must have been really hard for you." He knew Kevin had never wanted to lose him or 'curse' him. "But death by tragic paintball accident would have been really embarrassing."

"Yes," Kevin said. "Though it would have been preferable to 'death by squirrel.'"

"Oh, hell yes. Definitely." Chris wiped at the tear that had just escaped from Kevin's eyes. "Don't be like that, gorgeous. We'll be okay."

"I hope so," Kevin said. He reached over to help Chris sit up.

Chris stared at Kevin's arm. His heart started to pound, and he felt like he just might faint.

"What's that?"

"What?"

"Your right bicep... Kevin. Am I seeing things? Is that--?"

Kevin looked down.

"Oh," Kevin said. "Oh..."

He touched the mark on his arm, and then Chris reverently touched it, too.

"That looks like a completed soulmate mark to me," Chris said. "What do you think?"

Tears were definitely falling from Kevin's eyes now. 

"I love it," Kevin said.

"Mmm, I don't know," Chris said. "It sort of looks like a bloody vampire kissed you there. Isn't that sort of... tacky?"

"It is," Kevin said. "It suits my soulmate perfectly."

**Author's Note:**

> Because a few songs were sung by the other band in this universe:
> 
> Track listing for Backstreet's US debut album:  
> 1\. We've Got It Goin' On  
> 2\. As Long as You Love Me  
> 3\. Everybody (Backstreet's Back)  
> 4\. All I Have to Give  
> 5\. Anywhere for You  
> 6\. Hey Mr. DJ (Keep Playin' This Song)  
> 7\. I'll Never Break Your Heart  
> 8\. Get Down (You're the One for Me)  
> 9\. Tearin' Up My Heart  
> 10\. (God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time on You
> 
> Track listing for Nsync's US debut album:  
> 1\. Everything I Own  
> 2\. Thinking of You (I Drive Myself Crazy)  
> 3\. Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)  
> 4\. Darlin'  
> 5\. I Want You Back  
> 6\. If You Want it to Be Good Girl (Get Yourself a Bad Boy)  
> 7\. I Just Wanna Be With You  
> 8\. Here We Go  
> 9\. I Need Love  
> 10\. U Drive Me Crazy


End file.
